Wednesday, July 3, 2013

I Used to Be Nicer

I used to be nicer.  I was one of those people who others referred to as sweet. 

I think it's a good way to be seen. I was never a pushover, but I can't help but feel that I've lost my nice.  I spend so much of my time being hyper aware of pending mistreatment of my son, that I've somehow lost the ability to just welcome the world in a more open way.

I am so occupied with my own life, that it can be hard to have the interest in other people's stories, the way that I once did.  Sometimes, shamefully, other people's problems seem insignificant and small.  I am ashamed to admit that, but it is the truth.

I get tired of feeling angry, even if it is justified.  I get tired of speaking up for my son, even though I have to.  It's not that I don't think it's important, it just can take the good out of you.  It can be too easy for me to get focused on the people who are rude, more than the people who are kind.  Simply because the rude hurts so very, very much.....  and it scares me.  Terrifies me, because ultimately this is the world I have to pass my boy over to some day, and I can't help but notice how mean some people can be.

I need a world filled with nicer people.  I need to be a nicer person too.