I've got to say, I love being home with the kids. Even on the days I think I'm going to collapse...especially the days I think I'm going to collapse. That doesn't mean that it's easy, in fact, I found that working part time in the past gave me a break, a change of scenery, a distraction, and something else to focus on from time to time. But I just know that this is where my true work lies for now, and even trying to pretend that I could step away from here, and focus on something else is just an impossibility for the time being.
It's just too hard to go to work, when you are already holding down a full time, tonnes of overtime, highly demanding position.
But it is haaaaaarddddd....like, really, really hard. On really heavy "sensory seeking" days, I am full out all the time. Even easy days are demanding, filled with the endless tasks of fetching juice, serving meals, wiping spills, making beds, and let's not forget the enormous task of homeschooling. However, recognizing the enormity of the work load is not the same as resenting it. And needing 15 minutes to yourself to prevent from overloading isn't he same as being ready to throw in the towel. This is by far, the most difficult, and the most rewarding experience of my life.
When I flip through Aiden's kindergarten work, and I see how much he has learned, and how many skills he has developed, I'm not just proud of him, but of me too. We have both worked really, really hard... and I think it's fair to say that we've both seen great results. To know that I'm putting my skills and my strengths to work for my own boy is deeply gratifying. It is worth the days where it's a battle to get him to focus, and it is worth the days when he just can't sit still, to see the net result of all the days he did manage, and all the work he has done.
He hasn't succeeded only because he has leanrned to fit the mold of schooling...although there has been a lot of that. He's succeeding because schooling is also learning to wrap itself around him, and his own individualized needs and learning style.
On the hard days, and there are hard days, I am glad to know it is me who is dealing with him. And not just dealing with him, but helping him. My patience is born from love, and my discipline always has his best interest at heart. When he hasn't slept well, and that's pretty often, or if he is going through a real serious period of anxiety, I know that he has the support and love he needs with him, and together we can face the world.
I found it hard at first to feel the pull and desire of staying at home...the feminist in me was confused by the tug of my heartstrings. But my particular strand of feminist thought believes in women having choices, and having the ability to choose what works best for them and their families.