"Stop". "Don't". "I said don't". "Did you hear me?" "Are you listening to me?"
It's just been that kind of day. Actually, that's a lie, it's been that kind of an evening. I felt like a broken record, and as ineffective as could be. I feel negative and that just makes me feel guilty. Ahhhhh!!!!!
If I'm honest with myself, and allow myself some true insight, I know that what I experienced this evening was just the result of an overly-stimulating day. We had a visit to a friend's house today, which both kiddies thoroughly enjoyed. There were a couple of little tiffs, but nothing earth shattering. But it doesn't matter, because even if that went well, the whole time he was there, he probably felt socially confused and anxious. So, it just makes sense that once he's back on the sacred soils of 'home' he's going to let it all go. He's going to unwind...and God help the rest of us!
You see, when I take the time to put it in perspective, it makes sense. And my patience is restored. And I can empathize with him, like he needs me to. But when I'm in the midst of nonstop noncompliance coupled with the energy of a bucking bronco, it's harder not to feel defeated.
I can handle a lot of emotions. I can handle feeling anxious, I can handle being scared, but I cannot handle losing hope. Hope is what drives me, hope is what makes me keep trying. Hope is why I take him to so many different activities, knowing it is stressful for the both of us.
As usual, hubby came through with the sound advice I needed. I was feeling pretty low once the kids were finally asleep in their beds...and he told me it was okay to lose hope, but to try just to lose it for one day.
He's right, as usual. I'll be filled with hope again tomorrow, somehow it will spring up while I'm sleeping and fuel me. Tomorrow morning I'll look into the beautiful little face that I've been trusted with, and feel instantly replenished. Just the same, I'm glad that he could acknowledge how I felt, allow me it, and somehow let me know that it too would pass.... And all in one sentence!
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Your husband's a very wise man. You've won half a battle having him at your side. I hope today is a better day :-)
ReplyDeleteHang in there .... I know just where you are coming from in your comment. When people ask me how I cope with the struggles associated with raising a child on the spectrum, I reply:
ReplyDelete"Easy. I have selective amnesia. When I go to bed I leave all of the trials and defeats of today in my yesterdays and bring only the positive attributes into my tomorrows. After all, each new day is a brand new canvas ready to paint with a fresh new start!"
This conscious decision has kept me sane over the past 19 years! :)